Shag, Marry, Deport: Brassed Off Brits
Options: Gordon Ramsay, Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell
Gordon Ramsay - Deport
As noble as he’s been with that campaign to not de-fin sharks (the most specific human/animal rights campaign of all time, by the way) and outing that horrible guy who appeared to be actively in the mob on that Kitchen Nightmares episode, Gordon Ramsay is an easy deport here. There’s no excuse for this guy having ~35 TV shows on FOX every week. I can’t imagine any historical figure in human history still being popular after getting this overexposed on a TV network. We’d find ways to poke holes in Gandhi if he had to host “MasterPeace,” “Peace Nightmares,” “Hotel Peace” and “Peace’s Kitchen” over a six month span on one network.
We wouldn’t deport Gandhi. (Yes, I just wanted to write that sentence.) But Gordon Ramsay isn’t Gandhi.
Plus, there’s probably a 70 percent chance he’ll be judging “American Idol” and physically eliminating contestants with a ginsu knife next year. Hard deport.
Simon Cowell - Shag
Hey, at least I’ll know for sure if I’m any good at it.
Piers Morgan - Marry
Look, I like a challenge. No one’s gotten a worse rap than Piers Morgan on American cable TV recently, even though he appears to be, well, pretty good at American cable TV. It’s been 30 months since he took over for a TV legend, which is five Biblical ages on cable TV, and he’s still kicking around.
Sure, he likes himself a little bit too much. He’ll say some out-of-line stuff at one in every six dinner parties. But isn’t that what marriage is? Did I have a bad childhood? Is Tumblr going to bill me for this therapy session?